Why I Hate/Never Use MySpace...

"Did you get my last email? I never heard back and hoping you're not blowing me off. Because I really want to get to know you. I am new to myspace and have been on a quest to find my dreamgirl. I can't tell you how many profiles I looked through before I found you. I love your profile and really want to get to know you. You seem really complex, and I'll bet a lot of guys don't understand you.
You are SO my type. It's incredible. You take my breath away.
To tell you a little about myself, I am a filmmaker living in Beverly Hills. I'm 5'11/180, light brown hair and blue eyes. I am creative, passionate, intelligent and athletic. And you seem like my match. I just loaded my pic.
Are you seeing anyone now? What do you do for fun? Are you interested in acting? Are you real? I don't want to waste my time if you're not. I really want to get to know you. I have a feeling we will really connect. I have to get to know you.
Also, do you have a manager? We might be interested in repping you.
Get back,
David
P.S. You have the MOST amazing eyes ever!"



This guy is 40. He has one picture and it's him on some boat. All of his friends are wearing bikinis and have their legs open in some sleazy fashion. HE LOVES MAKING MOVIES.



Gross.

Stressed

out.

I've been so far from my usual self lately and I know why, but I also don't. I'm tired. All the time, I'm tired. I don't sleep. Not eating properly. Getting sick every other day... I can't focus on classes, going is a chore equivalent to taking out trash or going to the dentist. I literally drag myself there, usually in a rush because for some reason, I'm always in a rush, no matter how much time I have, which is both ridiculous and stressful. Additionally, I'm about to start working 2 jobs and already take 18 credits at UM. I know what my problem is, I'm logical enough to realize what's wrong and what needs to be done to get on the right track. But I haven't had the will or desire to change anything... until now.

I was supposed to go to a formal tonight in Castine at my friends' house, Matt and Lucas. I just really really really... really shouldn't. I got way too carried away last night at my friend's 21st birthday party and I am currently on a break from my 8 hour shift at work. I know what the right thing to do is: REST. Stop trying to please everyone and just take care of myself. Typical Stephanie doesn't stay home, just keeps go, go, going all the time, neglecting personal health and any reason or rationale. I don't know why I do the things I do. For someone so aware of what's going on, I am such an idiot sometimes. And look, I can even pick up on that!

I have so much on my mind right now I can't even form words, let alone sentences to describe, explain or convey what I'm feeling. I need to write, it's my outlet, but it's going to have to be something that has nothing to do with my personal life because I'm at a loss for words in that arena. I guess it'd be a good opportunity for some ENG 205 material to flow out of me.

Until I'm not a complete robotic bundle of anxiety, seeeee ya later.

Nothing good comes easy.

Why is that the case? It's true... but why?

I wish good things came easily. Don't we all wish good things, great things, came easily? Of course we do. But they don't... and I tell myself, "Well, there must be a significant reason for that", but what if there isn't? What if that concept is just by chance, or random selection. Who's in control of all this anyway? I am not about to go into a rant about God or the universe or anything, so I'm cutting myself off now.


I haven't written in this since the summer and like always, I find myself losing track of time and leaving blogs out to dry out for a significant period of time. This time, I won't play catch-up.

Present day-- I am tired, sore, hungover, confused, hurt, anxious, angry, bitter, resentful and if you type any one of those words into a thesaurus you could probably copy/paste the entire result, add it to this list and that's me right now. Low.

BUT, I plan on mending that ASAP with a venture outside of this prison cell I call my bedroom... spending some time with Sar and going to the gym to let the endorphins stream through my body. I have SO much homework to do, it's absurd that I'm spending my time doing this instead, but I have priorities and school work is no longer one of them, though technically shouldn't it be? Haha, it's such a joke that I'm here, really.


By the way, I don't expect people to be reading this, so I'm writing as though I am addressing my reflection in the mirror. Somehow I feel better after taking an objective look at my life and telling myself the truth. It's refreshing, and it's real... and I think we all should do it in some form or another.


Off to lift myself up again--g0tta love life and the never-ending cycles we're all a part of! :)

Existentialism and Laundry Abstinence

I'm curious: How many other 20-year-old S/W/F's out on summer break from college are lying in bed late at night watching YouTube lectures on Existentialism? Maybe none... maybe I'm the only one. Maybe not. There are only (approx.) 6,768,167,712 other people in the world that could be. I guess it's a definite possibility.


I won't do my laundry. Not tonight. It's just sitting there. In a huge (really huge) plastic tub, since I didn't bring laundry baskets to my aunt's when I moved. They're all up north in Orono, under CJ's bed, where he so kindly let me store half my life for the summer. CJ is such a saint.
Anyway, I'm way too damn lazy to touch my laundry, and it's annoying because it's just staring at me saying, "I'm so dirty, do me". Alright, maybe I should have worded that differently...

...naaaah.


My laptop is humming so abnormally right now. It sounds like a llama in heat and I'm considering dropping it on the floor so it stops. Obviously that's a moronic consideration but that doesn't mean it's not tempting.


Man, if I got HALF the amount of sleep I needed every night to function normally I might bring a bit more creativity to this update. There is so much I could say and yet all that's coming out is my complaint about laundry and guilty pleasure of closet-dorking it on YouTube during weeknights.


Somebody please wake me up. Or put me to sleep. One or the other...

I want people to hear this song.

This is for the fear.
This is for the uncertainty.
This is for the frustration.
And the damn rain.



AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH







......that's all.

In a Minor State of Nostalgia...

Forget Memory Lane. This whole day I've been cruising down Childhood Fantasy Highway just after the 90s Memorial Bridge.

It's difficult for me to believe that 12 years have passed since the days when trying new Easy Bake Oven recipes and creating recess plots to outrun all the boys were daily priorities of my friends and mine. Primary concerns were determining which friend got to "be" Sporty Spice, having the best Mad Minute Math score, who, if not Ruthie, was hosting the next sleepover and making sure the school bus didn't leave me behind.

A few other things that just came to me, for the record,
-Disney movies (Lion King, Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid and Pocahontas, top 5)
-Hanson/Spice Girls/LFO/
-Skip-Its, Barbie, Pokemon, Nintendo, Furbys, Gigapets, Spinning fairies, WNBA ball
-Dressing my brother in ridiculous costumes and in turn, playing Power Rangers, Ninja Turtles, Donkey Kong, Pokemon and Transformers with him
-Being a proud member of brownie Girlscouts and the Olsen Twins fan club
-Constant desire to be the fastest, strongest and best at everything
-Fantasy mermaid escapades in the pool
-The Chelsea playground (getting chased, racing, the monkey bars, the caterpillar, the "big" swings, jump rope and concerts)
-Chester Fried Chicken runs after sporting events, always with dad of course
-Advanced spelling and grammar class (all 6 of us!)
-The big playhouse I grew up in that was what my dad had built as our home

Being a kid was fun, plain and simple. Because who cares about who the president is, how much the insurance bill was or what time Daylight savings occurs when Caleb keeps cutting you in the lunch line and you have 3 reading logs and a permission slip to get signed? Really.

We all have so many memories of our childhoods and when you get to thinking about it, it can quickly become overwhelming. At the same time, while we retain so many stories from the past, there is also so much that doesn't come back to you.

Wouldn't it be cool if the human brain had the capacity for remembering every single thing that ever happened to you within your lifetime? When I picture the future, I see development of a type of software that can be installed into the human human baby brain (without surgery of course) and will act as a drive on a computer, i.e. : Life of Stephanie Hannah Whittier

Life of Stephanie Hannah Whittier:\Childhood\1996\October\Wednesday the 14th\3:02:58 pm

And in that folder I'd find the memory of me getting off the school bus at the end Whittier Dr., only to trip on my way down and drop my purple L.L. Bean bag, sending papers flying out left and right.

Wishful thinking, but part of me doesn't see that being so far out of technology's reach.


I'm getting to the "Okay, I sound a little ridiculous" point, so I'm going to call this a post! More to come, of course. Stay classy, blog readers.

My computer might catch my comforter on fire.

It's been a bizarre day to say the least. I really don't even want to talk about it. I'd rather let the emotions seep through my anger-ridden fingertips and onto the screen of my laptop, because that's what feels good. I type at LEAST 60 WPM, and I can really get hammering on this thing. It's almost equivalent to nailing my fist full-throttle into a punching bag or squeezing the shit out of a stress ball. There's a sense of relief people probably wouldn't expect from a little extra force behind the hands as they come into contact with the keys. Of course, for this to be effective in the whole stress-relieving aspect, you have to be sufficiently teed-off. Irate, even. It's working for me. To be frank, I don't care how crazy that might sound to anyone.

I suppose I'm what some would consider crazy, but if you've been reading this blog or anything I've ever written via social media or the Internet, you didn't need my personal confession. Pretty self-evident, mm?

This morning didn't start out the greatest, was pretty mediocre throughout the work day, and quickly became miserable by late afternoon. The deaths of two great American icons threw the entire country off, sending waves of shock and disbelief throughout... everywhere? That kind of pushed the already horrid day deep into the negatives for me... and what's up with all the recent Hollywood deaths? Something to think about.

At least after waiting 3 hours to be helped at the hospital this afternoon, I was able to obtain a prescription. With doctors, it's always hate/love for me. I hate going, waiting, waiting, waiting, more waiting, being prodded, poked, questioned and stared at. But I do love being helped. I think in general a lot of people would agree.

It really wasn't too terrible until I had to change out of my clothes and be examined from head to toe by a male doctor, when I just-so-happened to be wearing see through underwear. It's like fate picked them out on purpose this morning, knowing of course, that I'd end up having to showcase them in front of a man I didn't know. Just one of those things you can't explain.

I was also surprised to see the same woman that took my Chai latte order earlier this afternoon at Jorgensen's enter the ER I was waiting in, with her baby. The weirdest part--every time I go into Jorgensen's, which is at least a few times a week (it's right across the street from the office I'm working in this summer), that woman is working and I always paid her special attention. I'd watch as she paced frantically around the happening coffee shop, running out orders to customers dining in the cafe lounge or dashing out back to grab refills for the straw dispenser. And she appeared to be in an early stage of pregnancy. Though that was just my personal observation, I would consider it every time I walked into the place and saw her. I'd wonder if she was pregnant, or if she already had children, and even what kind of person she was.

That might sound creepy, but for a reason I can't explain, I always paid specific attention to her in the store while I waited for my orders to be up. And seeing her walk in the ER, of course, at the time I happened to be there, of all places... with a baby that needed immediate attention... was just a very unpredictable sight. It caught me off guard. And then I started thinking about the movie Crash and my brain went in 50 different directions as I considered possibilities that ultimately just gave me a piercing headache, so I eventually brought myself to focus on the task at hand... getting in and out of my least favorite place to be kept waiting.

You know, I think the last couple paragraphs put my aggressive mood to rest. Having realized that, I remember some other things I was really pissed off about when I started this entry. Best to not bring them up at this point, especially since I had forgotten about them anyway. Okay, I'm done rambling for the night.